Dating: is it Supposed to be Difficult?
Dating: is it Supposed to be Difficult?
Dating is so difficult.
My favorite thing is when I have a bunch of open Word docs and each of them have one sentence typed, sometimes just half a sentence. This particular one: “Dating is so difficult” was interesting because of a conversation I had today that was relevant in which I realized that dating is not so difficult, unless we choose to make it difficult. I am sure I was attempting to write a blog where I described just how difficult dating is but upon trying to elaborate on the statement, I was completely blocked because I most likely had nothing else to say. Maybe saying “Dating THE WRONG PERSON is so difficult” would’ve been a more accurate statement, because that is the only exception to this rule.
I was having a conversation with a friend when she told me about a guy she has been dating. She talked to me about some of the details of their relationship and why she isn’t sure if “it’s going anywhere.” She said she isn’t sure where they stand because they don’t text that much and she isn’t getting much feedback from him. She also mentioned she wanted to feel like he was thinking about her more often by reaching out a little more, or being more responsive. This is when I dished the realest piece of unsolicited dating advice. I told her something I realized a short while ago which has helped me in my own dating reality: “Remember, the battle is mostly against yourself and not the person you are dating.”
“What the hell does she mean by this?”
Think about it: When you date someone, do you do it so that they can make you feel better about yourself? Or is it because you WANT to spend time sharing with another person and hopefully growing together and doing fun stuff you both enjoy? If you choose the former, then you most likely will spend the entire relationship fighting a battle against yourself through your significant other because they will never be able to accomplish this thus leaving you unhappy. You will find a million reasons why it isn’t working out or why they aren’t fulfilling your needs, and even though they may be trying really hard to, they are never going to meet your expectations.
Now, I am not just saying this because maybe I have been reading self-help books like my life depends on it (I am). I am saying this because it is a harsh reality that yours truly had to learn and accept. I used to be frustrated all the time because my relationships just weren’t working. It didn’t matter what type of relationship I was in, I was always unhappy and blaming the other person for not making me happy. Sometimes this battle manifested itself in the form of jealousy, sometimes in the form of neediness and other times in the form of boredom. It didn’t matter what it was, I was just so overwhelmed with dating and trying to find the person that could make me feel good that I didn’t even have the time to stop and think that maybe I was my own problem.
Things did not change overnight. I had to go through an extremely confusing and painful process to get to the realizations that I am sharing today (which I will share in more detail when the time is right). I had to accept things and hold myself accountable. I had to change my actions and I had to be patient to see different results.
This doesn’t mean that I am the perfect woman now, it just means that I am a super aware woman and I am able to separate my personal issues from my relationships with other people. It’s an ongoing process but I am so thrilled to have started it.
As far as dating, it is one of the most fun things I am doing right now. Could be because the only other thing I am doing is applying for jobs but it also can be because I am allowing myself to really be out there, as exactly who I am. The person that I am today, is focused on who she is and what she wants. Because of this, I am accepting the unexpected and not questioning the good because I deserve it.
A lot of people that are stuck in these unhappy dating cycles are usually stuck because they don’t know any better. How can you change something that you don’t know is wrong? How can you create self-awareness if you aren’t aware that you aren’t aware? If you are reading this, take the time to look within yourself and recognize the areas in which you feel happiness and the ones in which you don’t, and begin to make changes accordingly. I hope that my discovery of self-awareness is able to help you find yours.
Until the Next Late Night,